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Here is Mathilde’s testimony that deeply moved me…
An obvious suffering that I hope will ease over time.
Here is her story.
My birth name is Bruno, but the name that suits me best is Mathilde because over time, Mathilde takes over Bruno…
I am 54 years old, married, and have 3 children.
I work in the agricultural sector and live in Reims, the champagne city in the Marne.
Regarding my femininity, like many, I live it hidden and in deception.
Somewhere, it’s a desire that has been inside me forever.
I had a revelation when I wore my first women’s outfits around the age of 12.
With one of my cousins, we used to have fun dressing up as brides.
It was just a child’s game back then, but it was both amazing and disturbing for me.
I discovered the pleasure of feeling nylon on my legs, the friction of a skirt on my thigh, and the texture of makeup on my skin.
However, this excitement was counterbalanced by a feeling of shame.
I wondered why I had these desires for femininity, and to be honest, I believe this feeling still remains inside me…
At that time, sometimes I changed alone at home to put on skirts, dresses, dress as a bride, or simply to spend the night in a nightgown.
All this attracted me without understanding why, but I felt good.
Then adolescence came along, and I stopped, no longer assuming that part of myself.
At 18, on the occasion of a Mardi Gras event organized by high school, my girlfriend suggested I dress as a woman for the day.
At first, I refused because it made me uncomfortable, but two friends accompanied me in this game, which made me change my mind.
My girlfriend then did our makeup, and I wore a suit borrowed from my mother.
That day was a great opportunity to clown around, to laugh, but deep down, I understood that there was something else…
However, there was no internet at that time, so it was difficult to share this feeling with those around me.
How to explain this desire for femininity and all the energy that these women’s outfits gave me…
I kept it to myself then got married thinking these urges would stop.
That was the case for 10 years! It was after an argument with my wife that I began feminizing myself again.
The internet allowed me to find testimonies from people who felt the same way.
This desire to be a woman became stronger and more troubling in my daily life.
Mathilde feels good and happy while Bruno lives in secrecy and lies.
I increasingly struggle to play this guy role.
When I am Mathilde, I feel myself, I am authentic, but what is increasingly difficult is finding my place…
I don’t feel at home in a group of men, nor in a group of women.
Fears? Yes, I have nothing but those, and they ruin my life…
I live in fear of being discovered, fear of my family’s reaction, of my children.
What would their faces be if they saw me as a woman…
I fear everything, it blocks me and stops me from moving forward, it makes me sad and unhappy.
I withdraw into myself, I smile less, it is a suffering to hide but also to lie.
I live in fear of going out as a woman during the day, of being judged, watched, or looking ridiculous.
The fear of looking like a man in disguise.
All this causes an obvious lack of self-confidence.
It harms not only my personality but also my family life and my job.
My feminization is currently nonexistent because I live my femininity part-time and mostly through the internet unfortunately.
I get swallowed up by work, or maybe it’s just a refuge to forget my true nature…
I would like to find girlfriends in my region to spend days dressed as a woman and especially go out without fearing judgment.
I would like to be found pretty as a woman, find my clothing style, and that’s why I reached out to Jennifer, who I think works miracles.
I don’t think I will go as far as transition because I don’t want to hurt my family and especially because I’m afraid of losing everything and ending up alone.
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