An emotional testimony from Cécile, transgender.

I met Cécile, it was a beautiful session, lovely photos… Being sensitive, I was deeply touched by her story, I admire what she has been through and I am happy that you too can discover her journey.

Can you introduce yourself? Age, gender, family situation, profession, city.

I am a 58-year-old man, widower.
I work in web marketing and I live in Seine-et-Marne, just a few minutes from Jennifer’s studio!

How long have you wanted to feel more like a woman?

Like many, it goes back to childhood.

I was 7 or 8 years old when I first wore my older sister’s shoes, heeled mules with wooden platform soles, like they used to in the sixties!
Since there was a big age difference, her clothes were too large for me, and it wasn’t until I was about 15 or 16 that I was finally able to try them on and enjoy feeling my feminine side.

I must say I have always felt a little different from the other boys.
In elementary school, I didn’t like their sometimes violent games, their rude, macho, and sexist remarks.
I felt better in the company of girls but was the target of jeers from the boys.
I quickly found myself isolated in an uncomfortable in-between.
I then shut myself off, afraid of others’ gaze.
Not manly enough for the boys and too scared to hang out with the girls who weren’t always gentle either! This lasted several years, until adolescence.
I then realized that I was attractive to both girls and boys, and on my side, I couldn’t choose—still that in-between.

Is it a temporary or permanent desire?

It’s a desire that has become less and less occasional nowadays.
But I went through highs when I was ready to come out, and lows when I was depressed and threw my things in the trash, wondering what was happening to me.
I ended up seeing a psychologist for a few months.
She helped me accept this ambivalence and, above all, relieved me of guilt.

Why this desire, what does it give you?

It gives me a feeling of well-being, fragility too, with the fear of not “passing” well, the fear of encountering a gang of youngsters with whom anything can happen (experienced this…).
Also pride in being able to express my femininity.
I am a quite sensitive, caring person, attentive to others.
Cross-dressing allows me to align with these character traits, often more feminine than masculine, whereas as a man, I sometimes feel like I am playing a role.

When did you decide to take action, that is to cross-dress for the first time? For what occasion? What did you feel?

When I was about twenty years old, I was in a relationship with a woman who had the same measurements as me (or vice versa).
I could freely borrow her clothes and even her shoes.
I cross-dressed quite often, never telling her, and staying quietly in the living room.
I didn’t think about makeup, but I believe it was from that moment that I glimpsed the possibility of going further.
At the same time, the internet was starting to grow and I realized I was not alone in living this dilemma.

Later, I met the woman who became my wife.
In the early years of our relationship, I didn’t feel the need to feminize myself, but gradually, this need came back.
I think my wife suspected something but never talked to me about it; maybe she was waiting for me to make the first move.
Since she hated body hair, I was able to shave my legs and had even started shaving my beard.

The more people there are, the less you are noticed

I managed to hide my feminine clothes in a corner of the house but after a while, the hiding spot became too small.
So I rented a small storage space to put my things and rented a hotel room to cross-dress.
On average once a month, I practiced becoming a woman: doing makeup, trying on clothes, matching the outfits well.
When I felt ready, I stepped out of the room to go out in broad daylight.
What a pleasure! Being able to move in public space being recognized as a woman, not being unmasked (well, to be honest, it happened to me).
At first, I went out mostly at night, in winter, wearing a coat that hid my shape, and a big scarf to hide my face in case of danger.
And little by little, I gained confidence, going out during the day, first in less frequented places, then I threw myself into shopping centers.
The more people there are, the less you are noticed.

“My name is Cécile”

My wife fell ill and passed away a few months later, after a long illness, as they say politely.
I found myself alone with 3 young children.
I know what "mental load" means; I understand what women mean when they say they start a new day when they come home from work.

It was probably my feminine side that helped me get through and survive that difficult period.
But I no longer had the heart to dress as a girl; my clothes stayed in the suitcase.
And then, like an undercurrent coming back to the shore, the desire surged again, life goes on because there is no choice, and Cécile takes out her suitcase (my name is Cécile, I hadn’t mentioned that yet).
But my tastes have evolved: quick, La Redoute and Zalando!

Do you have fears regarding society, your family, etc… any apprehensions or discomfort?

I’m afraid of hurting the people I love by revealing my other “me”, especially my children.
I really want to tell my sister first, you know, the one who wore sixties mules…
I think she would take it well and might help me go further in the coming out.
My friends? I don’t know, my feminine intuition is of no help!
The saying goes that if they are true friends, the friendship will last.
I wait and see…

As for society, it is evolving.
We hear a lot of debates about trans identity, gender issues, gender dysphoria…
All of this is going in the right direction, that of tolerance.

What are the next steps in your feminization (if any), or desires you haven’t yet tried but would like to?

I would like to have a laryngoplasty (Adam's apple reduction) and a rhinoplasty (you know what it is, I’m sure; if not, Google it) to feminize my face a little more but without going for full feminization surgery.
I would also like to meet other people who are on the same journey.
I had the opportunity to join dinners organized by ABC Beaumont.
These dinners help break isolation and meet people who have been through this and found a new balance, all in genuine kindness.
Unfortunately, due to the Covid crisis and restaurant closures, no dinners have been held for a long time…

I also want to attend a Drôles de Dames evening in Paris.
After long hesitation, I planned to go there in March 2020 but the venue had to close because of the health crisis.

Why did you reach out to me, and what did I bring you at this stage of your life, if I brought you anything?

I wanted to meet Jennifer so she could teach me to do makeup better, use the right products, and become autonomous.
I was completely lost and wanted to start on the right foot.
I was not disappointed, quite the opposite! Jennifer showed me the right techniques by doing makeup on half of my face, and it was up to me to do the other half.
She showed me how to choose products that suit my face, in what order and how to use them.

The photoshoot was a real pleasure even if I had trouble completely letting go!
I’m very happy with the photos Jennifer took of me with 5 or 6 different outfits she picked from my wardrobe.
And the cherry on the cake, I left her place in a little dress and with a new wig that suits me perfectly!
These few hours with Jennifer were pure happiness!