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It was during an appointment that I met Caroll, a very beautiful person whom I am lucky to support in her growing journey of feminization.
She agreed to open up on transbeauté and share her story with us, which is as follows.
I’m Caroll, single and in my forties.
I live in Essonne and I’m an industrial designer.
I lived for 20 years with a partner, without children, a mutual decision, each with her own apartment, sexually fulfilled without needing to relive my childhood attraction of being a woman but, I admit, projecting myself onto her desires.
This made me a good shopping advisor for her, and for pleasure, a good girlfriend.
We drifted apart towards the end, and that story ended like that.
I had told her at the beginning of our relationship that I had sometimes dressed as a woman, and that I no longer felt that need since being with her.
For a very long time, I’ve lived with this intimate feeling.
More precisely, since my mother’s womb where, without knowing it, I must have been a very desired girl, by both her and him, because she put herself at risk to have me.
I only understood this later at twenty, reading psychology and questioning my parents.
It was a relief for me to understand what was hidden behind the curtain of my unconscious upbringing, my second self.
Slender, small feet, long hair, and seeming fragile, I didn’t fit the role of the model boy.
People thought I was a girl as a child.
I wasn’t playing with dolls but flirting with a bunkmate boy for example (obviously always pretending to be a girl, unforgettable memories).
I spent my time with the girls at school (they were the only ones with interesting conversations), I tried on my mother’s clothes, etc.…
I won’t go further into my intimacy.
By the way, recently an aunt told me I looked like my mother.
The shift, the pendulum swing towards my need to be a woman happened four months before meeting Jennifer.
And since then, everything has moved very quickly.
I wanted to have professional makeup.
I needed to know if I was credible or not.
The need to measure in a mirror who I was when expressing my whole being.
Jennifer helped me with that, and I will never thank her enough.
I came with a bag of clothes and she was able to advise me.
She gave me an outside perspective, the first I shared as Caroll.
She is now a dear friend; her work goes beyond her professionalism as a makeup artist and her good taste in clothes.
She is one of those rare Human people for whom I have deep respect.
After the appointment, I felt so comfortable that I walked around in the evening, light and confident, wow! And imagine that for my future hairstyle, I sent the photos taken by her to get help from a stylist, and now I’m writing to introduce myself to you.
But coming out is still something I question.
I’m going to continue making more room for my femininity daily and merging what has become two identities.
I feel happier since then, which strengthens me in this bodily and psychic balance.
I will learn to do my makeup well alone, to take better care of myself, to have a new voice, and to integrate what makes sense so that Caroll has her place not in a fantasized construction but a real one.
This double self has often frightened me, and that is why it is a source of fantasies.
Reality is much simpler; it more often leads to suicide—I thought about it as a teenager.
I know I will never be a “bio woman.”
Living feeling good will certainly lead me to transform completely, how far? We’ll see…
My desires are to shop with girls, chat, attract, dance, meet new people…
I’m sensitive and finally want to allow delicacy and gentleness within me to shine; I know I can’t when I’m a boy.
In that kind of form, I only mask my disagreements, already being recognized as very far from the majority of them.
Since my recent feminization, certain signs have come to me like revelations: François Ozon’s film Une nouvelle amie or the testimony of Belgian journalist Bo Van Spilbeeck, moments that resonated like “finally, I’m not the only one feeling this way.”
The world is changing.
There are ups and downs, like with everything.
In my traditional social life, during the day I am so recognized as a “boy” that showcasing Caroll makes me question this passage, which will be a complicated moment.
It might cost me dearly (operations, loss of my job?, identity in public places).
I am preparing so that the obviousness comes to light step by step.
In the evenings and weekends I feel alive again. Today, the question of gender is fundamental in our society.
Women’s rights, their daily demands for equality show that abolishing this gender difference will allow welcoming all ways of being (homo, trans, …).
If the fear of this unknown for the majority of French people shifts this far, it will of course also be thanks to the progress of other countries, but I am hopeful.
The patriarchy has had its time; life on this planet will remember it for a long time.
All this is very exciting, I feel alive again and optimistic about the progress of societal norms.
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