The first sign: The early desire to feel like a woman

My name is Noémie, I’m 36 years old and I’m a transgender woman (biologically born male…). I’m single and live in Ile-de-France.

I hold a management position with responsibilities in the healthcare industry.

My first really significant memory goes back to when I was 7 or 8 years old. I was attracted to makeup, jewelry, and clothing that women usually wear. I wanted to try them on and proudly went downstairs to join my great aunt and my mother. It’s safe to say they were not particularly pleased with the experience.

I ended up getting vigorously washed by my mother in the garage with a basin of water. I don’t remember what happened afterward…

During adolescence, I frequently dressed in my sisters’ clothes when no one was home. In late adolescence, I would peek into my mother’s wardrobe.

At 7, then 17… and 24 years old!

As soon as I turned seventeen, I ended up living alone in an apartment because my parents moved abroad for work. I finished the first part of my studies (BTS) then entered a business school. There I fluctuated between “man” and woman life, trying to be as discreet as possible. I didn’t have much money so I didn’t do many extravagances…

Later, I got my first job at 24 years old. I could rent an apartment and support myself. This was finally my chance to live unofficially as I wished. Again I oscillated between the two genders. Each time, the need to feel like a woman was strongest. So I forced myself to wear a man’s mask in my professional and social life and be myself, a woman, in the safety of my apartment.

Fears and apprehensions: The challenges of society and family

I obviously have fears about almost everything. We don’t live in a world of tolerance and kindness.

I learned this the hard way throughout my life and I have never stopped fighting to avoid being crushed by toxic individuals.

Regarding my transgender identity, I can say we now benefit from more ease compared to five or ten years ago. Not everything is perfect and there are still intolerable atrocities committed against trans people (or more broadly “different” people). However, there is now greater recognition of our situation, at least from a medical, administrative, and legislative point of view.

I plan to talk about it soon with my family, in small doses, and see how they react. I don’t want to impose my choice on them. I absolutely do not seek their approval or understanding. I am independent in all ways so I feel less constrained by their reactions. However, they remain my family. They have always (well, almost always) supported me during the most difficult moments of my life. I hope we won’t end up cutting ties.

As for what society might think, I loudly declare that it doesn’t make any difference to me. I don’t give the slightest credit to those who are quick to judge while surely having a long list of things to reproach themselves for. I don’t live through the eyes of others and even less to conform to their gaze.

There’s still work, and I admit it’s probably the aspect I fear the most.

I have dedicated so much to my career that I wouldn’t want to lose it all at once. I still have time ahead of me. I’m laying the first stones of my coming out so it’s not brutal and sudden but rather progressive and nuanced.

thanks to your kindness, kindness, generosity and talent I was able to gain confidence

I searched the Internet for trans-friendly people (or at least more open-minded) to help me with the art of makeup.

You (Jennifer) brought me so much that now, as I write this testimony, I realize I didn’t let much show when I was with you.

I hope you won’t be too upset and that these few words will better explain this moment.

I had an appointment later that afternoon to get my psychiatrist certificate and I wanted to present myself in my best light.

This is the “official” reason why I called on your talents.

The second reason was my fear (still present but diminished) of not succeeding in my passing.

It’s a subject that comes up perpetually for almost all of us (I include people who crossdress) because we always dread not being seen as women.

Some cope very well and would just shrug, but in my case it’s a very overwhelming fear.

Thanks to this time spent together and your kindness, kindness, generosity and talent, I was able to gain confidence in my passing.

What’s wrong?

Was it because of the click of my shoes (zero discretion, I was the only sound…)?

Was it my height (I’m 1.78m without heels, here I wore ankle boots with 5cm heels)?

Or my outfit (light-colored, not that light… but in winter it raises eyebrows)?

My wig that had no discipline? Or was it that my passing just… didn’t pass?

After about thirty minutes, I went back to my car and decided to put on a mask and go out again. I wandered through BHV Marais and browsed the departments on the different floors.

People occasionally looked at me but I especially noticed that the looks went from head to toe (maybe the outfit after all?).

I finally went to my medical appointment and everything went wonderfully.

A giant step in real life

For me, this session was one of the triggering factors that pushed me to be myself in public and with a close person.

It may seem like a small step seen from behind a computer screen but for me, it was truly a giant step in real life.

Jennifer, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything you brought me and I hope to see you again soon for a makeup class 🙂

Noémie