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How can one live in balance between two identities, between a public life and an inner need to reconnect with oneself?
How to find moments of escape to fully exist, even in the face of fear of judgment and transphobia?
In this moving new testimony, Stéphanie reveals an intimate part of her existence: an irresistible need to become herself, to embrace her femininity like a vital breath.
She shares the challenges of her first public outings as a woman, her impactful experience in a studio dedicated to transgender and cross-dressing women, and the complexities of her family coming out.
But not only that.
This journey is not linear but made of moments of liberation and doubt, where the courage to exist as Stéphanie becomes essential to feeling alive.
What obstacles must she overcome to allow herself these moments of truth? How does she reconcile the desire for affirmation and the fear of others’ gaze? How does she become “Stéphanie”?
Dive into a rich and inspiring story, a story that could be yours, if it isn’t already.
My name is Stéphanie, 51 years old from Pxxxxxxxs.
I live and work as a man, and I am married to a woman with whom we have 3 children.
After having been a teacher, I currently work in teacher training.
I am originally English but I met my wife, who is French, in England and I came to live in France.
It’s been more than 30 years now that I have been living in France.
I have always been attracted to femininity. This attraction to women’s clothes, makeup, etc., is part of my earliest memories.
Like many of us, I started by trying on my mother’s clothes before I began buying my own things.
It’s a temporary desire. I could go months or even years without really thinking about it and suddenly the desire comes back.
But for some time now, I would say for a year or two, the desire has become stronger, deeper, and more permanent.
It’s as if this woman inside me who was long hidden and repressed is taking control.
It’s hard to explain. You can’t really say it’s a desire. I would rather qualify it as a need.
At first, there was softness and sensuality, the feeling of stockings or tights on the skin for example, but over the years it evolved.
Now I see it simply as the expression of myself.
Before, I lived my femininity in secret; it was always frustrating with mixed feelings, shame, ridicule, fear of being discovered.
The feeling of not being normal.
There was something pushing me to do it but I wondered why I was doing it and what it brought me.
All that just for a few fleeting moments.
Then with my first outings in public, it was a revelation.
I felt so good, happy, at peace, fully myself, finally.
No longer having those negative feelings or doubts, it was as if everything became clear.
I now understand that recognition of who we are is what matters.
We all have the right to be who we are.
Even if it’s not always easy, sometimes I don’t dare.
You have to go out so that people get used to seeing us.
For every questioning or mocking look encountered, there is a look of kindness, a smile, a simple word of acceptance.
I regret having waited so long to take the step.
It feels so good and I have met so many wonderful people.
It’s not the first time.
But I think it’s interesting to tell about the experience I had, that of my second real public outing.
I had the opportunity to go to Madrid for work.
On this occasion, I visited the renowned transformation studio DafniGirls.
Like other studios of this type, they offer you a complete transformation; makeup, wig, advice, trying on different outfits with a photo session.
During my visit, I was taken care of by Ely, bubbly, funny, and attentive – a lovely girl, a super pro of makeup of course.
That’s when I got a shock and a strong first emotion when I discovered this woman in the mirror.
She is the most accomplished expression of my femininity I had seen so far.
For the first time, I really felt beautiful.
Ely suggested we go outside for a walk.
We strolled around the Chueca neighborhood, an area in the heart of Madrid known for LGBTQ tolerance.
Then we headed to Gran Via, the Madrid Champs Elysées, to take some photos as well.
It was crowded, and naturally I was noticed while striking a pose, but I felt beautiful, confident, and happy.
Finally, I manage to face the looks.
My initial idea was to change back at the studio at the end of my appointment, but we had the option to keep the outfit and return it the next day.
Ely showed me some restaurants and bars where I could go quietly, even alone.
I knew I wouldn’t have such an opportunity soon again, even if it was just to have a drink or eat somewhere alone.
I didn’t want to cut short this moment where I felt so good.
So I continued my walk alone. I stopped for a moment to look into a clothing store window when someone behind me spoke to me in Spanish.
Spanish is not my strong suit, luckily they speak English. I turned around and just met two strangers: Yanira and her friend Christina.
They said they saw me from afar and came to invite me to have dinner with them. Two other friends were going to join them.
Christina and I discussed it later – two strangers who recognize a fellow in the street and invite her to join them.
In what other context could this have happened? You can’t find one.
Dinner gave the opportunity to get to know my 4 new friends, to exchange on our lives and experiences, each with her own.
Naturally, similarities and common points emerged.
I have known them for a short time but we understand each other easily and reach a certain degree of intimacy quickly and comfortably.
What a joy to find people like me and feel less alone.
I understand that this was what I missed all this time and how important it is to have people to talk to.
I appreciated the initiative and the spirit of solidarity of these wonderful girls.
We must be proud of who we are, of our community, and of our values.
A world in our image would be much sweeter and more tolerant.
I addressed the subject with my wife for the first time about 10 years ago and…
…Stéphanie will continue her testimony very soon!
With, of course, her participation in the Diner de Charly
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